SG0019 Self Introduction Part 1/3

最近開始重新寫一些文章來點綴一下我荒廢已久的部落格。絕大多數的文章都是我個人的感受。有些朋友經過我的部落格，看了就給我留言，甚至有些寫了自我接受的短信給我說想認識我。回信的時候，當然因為對方是新朋友，我都會稍微介紹自己。這個讓我想起小學的時候，上語文課時，老師喜歡叫我們寫我的自述。

打從認識文字開始，對作文就有點恐懼。所有的語文課都要學習寫作文。小學的作文那個時候至少要120個字左右。語文課最差的我，每每看到作文節的時候，就開始頭疼了起來。馬來西亞90年代的教育，主要是填鴨式的教育法。語文課老師喜歡找許多所謂不錯的文章交給學生，要求學生回家去背熟。這些硬生生的文章就這樣烙印在那個年代孩子的腦袋裡。幾乎每一年，開學不久（基於可能沒有什麼課題）老師總喜歡叫我們寫這個題目-我的自述。由於背熟太多自述的文章，結果就會發現原來每個同學的“背景”都差不多一樣。年復一年的學習，每年的“我的自述”差不多都一樣，只是多了一些形容的文字。

那個時候的文章，差不多每個同學的家庭都非常幸福美滿，有疼愛他們的家人。大家都有一樣的興趣就是閱讀，同樣工作就是上課。有共同喜歡的食物，共同的愛好。甚至連寵物的名字都一樣。大家寫的是記憶裡那些典範文章裡頭的我，而不是那個寫文章的我。

其實重新站在今天“我”這個角度去看當初我寫我的自述時，我發現那個時候的我，都是要符合老師和文章的要求來虛構自己的存在。當時的我，不一定就是生活裡頭的我。我盡量把自己虛構成老師和同學喜歡的人物。那個年代不是每個學生都愛閱讀，但是因為作文的要求，大家都變成愛讀書的一群。不是每個學生都有一對父母，但是因為作文的要求，變成有一對疼愛自己的父母。這樣的作文要求，是不是對孩子來說是個嚴苛的考驗。老師教會孩子美化自己？教會孩子用語言掩飾自己不美麗的一面。結果差不多全班同學的文章的格式和內容都大同小異，只是名字和對象會有一些差異。其實我從來沒有想過單親父母的孩子如何寫這樣的自述？一個長期受到虐待的孩子如何寫出這個美好的自述？最詭異的是，那個年代大家好像都認識阿裡，小華和木都。（馬來西亞的90年代小學的課本裡頭的主人翁，阿里是馬來人，小華是華人，木都是印度人）。

今天重新思考小時候寫我的自述這樣的文章時，其實那個我並不完全是我，裡頭的內容超過一半都是“純屬虛構”，但是和同學都是“如有雷同”。我認真的去思考那時候的教育沒有教會孩子如何面對自己，重新認識自己，然後建立一個健康的自己。孩子都是在老師認為下去建立一個討教育者歡心的形象。也許因為這樣的教育，人們從哪裡學會掩飾自己，虛構自己。

在文字裡，“我”沒有被正確的詮釋出來，“我”卻被社會的規範，約束了“我”應該活出的樣式。“我”就這樣的成長…

Lately I start to write some word in my blog. Most of the writings are more to my personal view. Some friend who read my blog, left me some message to me, some even write a simple self introduction to me. When I replied those mails, I will write a little bit self introduction to them. Writing self introduction lead me to think of when I was young in the primary school, my teacher use to ask us to write self introduction.

I don’t like to write essay, especially when I was in primary school, where we need to produce about 120 words essay. I am poor in language; therefore I don’t really like language class. During 90’s, Malaysia’s education system are more to spoon feeding system. Our teacher will find a lot of so call “good” essay and ask the student to memorize it. This essay later will become the role to all the essays we wrote. We use to be asked by teacher to write self introduction every year during the primary school days. The funny part is, whenever the teacher asked us to write some similar essay, the content of the essays are almost the same among the student.

Most of the content having similar idea, everybody have a happy family who care about us. Everyone have same hobby which is reading, same task which is schooling, same food and even the pet may have same name. Most of us when we write something about self introduction, we are more refer to the role essay in our memory instead of real “me”. What I found in these essays, we never truly describe ourselves. We will try to build a person who is quite similar to us but having good character in the essay to represent the real me. Not everybody like reading, not everybody has happy family, not everybody have a pet but we try to create something to make the essay more complete. In other word, we try to build another person who is much better than me to represent me in the essay. One may found that most of the essays are quite similar to each other except different name and storey order. The education system teaches us to beautify ourselves by create a new “me” in the essay. I wonder a person who came from single parent family or who have family problem, how they wrote these essays?

We never learn to know “ourselves” from the wordings; we being taught to follow what the culture want us to be and behave as what they want us to behave. We grow up in such way….